What to Do When Both Partners Have Depression

The best thing you can have if you struggle with mental health challenges is a spouse or romantic partner who understands you and what you are going through. A loving, understanding companion can be the support you need to get through tough times. But what if both partners have depression? Here are some strategies to help each other, and avoid spiraling downward together. 

How Likely Is It for Both Partners to Have Depression?

It is not unlikely for both partners to have mental illnesses like depression, or to experience depression symptoms. According to the most recent data from the National Institute of Mental Health (as of 2023), 21.0 million American adults have had at least one major depressive episode. That is 8.3% of the adult population. There is some data to suggest that people with mental health disorders, like depression, are more likely to choose partners with mental illness than not. 

This could be because your partner’s struggles with mental health challenges make it easier to understand and sympathize with your own thoughts and feelings. You may be drawn to start a relationship with a depressed partner because of your shared experiences and ways of thinking. In other cases, the experience of living with a partner with depression may cause depression symptoms to manifest in an otherwise mentally healthy individual. This can be caused by the challenges depression brings to interpersonal relationships, or your partner’s empathy and care for your wellbeing. In either case, when both partners have depression symptoms, it can make maintaining a happy and healthy relationship much harder. 

Relationships Can be Hard When Both Partners Have Depression

Depression symptoms can negatively affect your ability to maintain healthy relationships in a number of ways:

• Increased conflict due to irritability or defensiveness
• Dissatisfaction with your relationship
• Reduced communication
• Desire to withdraw from partnership
• Reduced intimacy (including libido)
• Jealousy and hurt interfering with interpersonal trust
• Feelings of guilt or worthlessness impairing the receipt of love
• Reduced positive emotional expression in response to positive events

When both partners experience depression symptoms, these challenges can build on one another, making it even harder to connect and support one another. When you and your romantic partner are experiencing adversity, like job loss, natural disasters, or grief, your symptoms could also feed on one another. But even a depressive episode itself may be enough to trigger your partner’s negative symptoms. One study from 2015 shows that depressive symptoms frequently “co-occur” between partners. When one partner was struggling, it was correlated with an increased chance the other would experience symptoms as well. This tendency seemed to grow stronger as couples grew older together. 

That is not to say it is either partner’s “fault” that the other is depressed. In fact, one important thing for both partners to do is avoid assigning blame or taking on unnecessary guilt over the fact that you are feeling depressed. However, understanding that when you are depressed your spouse may be as well can help you both focus on healthy coping mechanisms and getting the support you need to move through the situation and get to a healthier place.

What to Do if Both Partners Have Depression

Knowing that both you and your spouse or partner struggle with depression doesn’t have to be a signal that the relationship is doomed to fail. Instead, you should treat that realization as a call to action. If you and your spouse are committed to a better mental health journal, the fact that you are on it together can actually help you stay committed or jump back in after a period of withdrawal. Here are some strategies for partners who are experiencing depression together.

Make Sure Both Partners Have Individual Support

Your spouse or romantic partner is likely your closest confidant, the one you turn to first for support and comfort. But they shouldn’t be your only resource. If you and your partner both struggle with depression, it is especially important for each of you to have separate support systems you can go to when the other is struggling. This should include separate individual psychotherapists who can help you focus on your own mental health symptoms and coping mechanisms. 

But it should also include friends, family members, religious leaders, or other community members that you can turn to for support and companionship. If each partner makes a list of three such people, and you exchange those lists, you can help support one another simply by reaching out for each other when you are too down or withdrawn to do it yourselves. 

Openly Communicate About Depression Symptoms and Triggers

Often times, depression can cause you to hurt your partner simply because they do not know you are struggling. A combination of personal mindfulness and open communication can avoid those surprise negative interactions and reduce conflict in your relationship. First, you need to know what it looks, feels, and sounds like when you get depressed. Mindfulness will help you identify and label your feelings. If you become irritable or angry, find yourself unable to keep appointments or commitments, or start to experience jealousy or guilt, say something. Openly communicating this fact with your partner can help them contextualize what you are saying or doing in a way that will reduce the hurt and protect your long-term trust and care for one another. 

Fight the Urge to Withdraw from the Relationship

When you get depressed, you may feel the urge to withdraw, or have a lack of energy and motivation to do things. That includes engaging with your partner romantically, or to keep up with your household duties. But this can cause your partner to feel abandoned or resentful, especially if the episode lingers over an extended period of time. 

Even if you have to pull back on your plans for an elaborate date night or prioritize among chores, try to find small ways to stay engaged in your relationship and your shared life experience. Instead of canceling plans, try modifying them to low-energy alternatives. For example, instead of going to a concert, invite your partner to a quiet night in watching movies. Even your simple presence reaffirms that you still value the relationship even as you are managing your depression symptoms.

Work with a Couples Therapist with a Focus on Your Relationship

While both partners should be addressing your own mental health challenges with individual therapy, you may also want to consider working with a couples therapist. Couples therapy does not replace individual mental health treatment, but it can be an effective supplement when both partners struggle with mental health challenges. The priority in couples therapy is your relationship dynamic, rather than either partner’s internal issues. A psychotherapist working with you and your partner as a couple can help identify weaknesses in the way you interact with one another, and provide strategies to strengthen the bonds that support you. That way you can build on that initial attraction and mutual empathy and create strategies to get you through the hard times together. 

David Stanislaw is a psychotherapist with over 30 years of experience. He helps individuals and couples learn strategies to deal with depression and other mental health disorders within their relationships. Contact David Stanislaw to get help today.