Facing Holiday Grief Together as a Couple

The first holiday after losing a loved one can be emotionally difficult. Sometimes, holiday grief can last for years as each celebration reminds the family of what was lost. Here are some things to think about when facing holiday grief together as a couple, and ways that you can support your spouse, and yourself, this holiday season. 

Things That Can Cause Holiday Grieving

Grief can come with any significant loss. While most people think of grieving in connection with the death of a loved one or close friend, those feelings can be also triggered by many other situations, such as:

• Chronic illness
• Miscarriage
• Loss of a job or financial stability
• Relocation or loss of a home
• Natural disasters
• Traumatic experiences
• Estrangement of close friends
• Loss of a pet

Even circumstances that are normally positive, such as a new job or birth of a child, can cause holiday grief since they may interfere with your ability to celebrate the holidays in the same way you are used to.  

Why Holiday Grief Feels Harder

It is this loss of tradition that makes holiday grief feel harder than the surrounding days or months. Whether it is due to religion, family practice, or even just routine, many people have extensive and important traditions connected to holidays that help them define themselves, their relationships, and the passage of time. Holiday traditions are also a way to reaffirm connection to family and community, through celebrations, gatherings, and gift-giving. When a death, loss, or relocation interferes with these practices, it can cause one or both members of a couple to experience intense holiday grief. You may even find that grief from older losses resurfaces as the holidays come around because they remind you of traditions you can no longer follow. 

5 Strategies for Facing Holiday Grief Together

If you and your spouse are both facing holiday grief together, you may need extra coping mechanisms and strategies to get through a difficult holiday season. By working together and supporting each other, you can use this time of loss to strengthen your commitment to each other, and reaffirm the importance of your relationship. 

1. Set Aside Time to Grief Together

If you are experiencing unwanted grief, you may be inclined to push forward and ignore it. Especially during the busy and stressful holiday season, you may be tempted to tell yourself you will deal with your emotions later. But doing this can make it harder to process your grief and heal. Instead, you and your partner should set aside time to express your grief. Establish a safe time and place to openly cry, talk about your feelings, and share memories of what was lost. That way, you can honor what has been lost, listen to one another, and support each other’s grieving process. You may even find ways to bring new meaning to ceremonies and traditions you have practiced for years. 

2. Check In About Your Feelings

Remember that grief can sneak up on you. The way you or your spouse are feeling today may not be the same as yesterday or tomorrow. If you know you are facing holiday grief, make a point to have a quiet check-in each day to see how you are both feeling. Actively listen to the other, without judgment, validate their feelings, and provide whatever support, compassion, or empathy the other requires. 

3. Avoid Comparing Experiences of Grief

It is okay if you and your spouse do not experience holiday grief in the same way, at the same time, or to the same degree. Everyone goes on their own path through grief. Not everyone’s negative feelings will be triggered by the same song, smell, or situation. Avoid comparing your experience of grief with your spouse. Acknowledge if they are feeling good or bad, and express your own feelings and thoughts independently, rather than measuring them against one another. This will avoid creating shame, blame, or resentment when your experiences differ. 

4. Be One Another’s Defenders

If you and your partner are facing holiday grief together, there will be days when each of you needs someone to stick up for you. Whether it is setting boundaries on family events and expectations, or explaining why your spouse is having a “blue Christmas” be ready to defend one another’s right to grieve in the way that is most comfortable in the moment. If you see your spouse struggling with sadness at a holiday event, give them an excuse to leave. When a relative pressures you to do something you don’t feel up to, ask your spouse to intercede on your behalf. Working together to face holiday grief can make things easier because you can be one another’s support person when you need it most. 

5. Adjust Traditions to Honor What Has Past

Holiday grief is often triggered by the practice of traditions, especially when those traditions would ordinarily include the person or thing that has been lost. But that doesn’t mean you need to abandon them. Consider creating a new tradition, or adjusting your existing practices to make space for the person or thing that was lost. Find ways to incorporate the past into the present, like telling stories together, praying for your lost loved ones, or setting out pictures of them around your home. By adjusting traditions in ways that honor the past, you can give new meaning to these important practices, while acknowledging the difficulty that comes with loss. 

Get Help Facing Holiday Grief from a Couple’s Counselor

When you and your spouse or partner are facing holiday grief, it’s okay to reach out and get help. Working with a couple’s counselor or therapist can teach you new grief coping strategies, give you space to cope with your feelings, and help you make adjustments together to strengthen your memory of what you have lost, without sacrificing your future together. 

David Stanislaw is a psychotherapist with over 30 years of experience. He helps individuals and couples with bereavement and other psychiatric issues. Contact David Stanislaw to get help today.