Addressing Conflict Among Family Members

Family dynamics can be hard to navigate. When disputes arise, it can put a strain on family relationships and give even the happiest occasions a dark tint. Here are some strategies for addressing conflict among family members.

This is the first post in a four-part blog series about addressing conflict in some of your most important relationships. This topic will deal with family dynamics. Future posts will focus on conflicts with your children, spouse or partner, and coworkers. The goal of this series is not to avoid conflict altogether – that’s impossible – but to better equip you to resolve conflict when it happens.

Conflict is Normal, Even if Your Family Isn’t

Conflict never feels good. It always makes you feel uncomfortable, and you may well try to avoid it. But the truth is that conflict is normal, and everyone experiences it throughout their lives. Family conflict can be the hardest to resolve and can hurt the worst because the people involved matter the most. The key to addressing conflict among family members is to recognize where it is coming from, get to the root causes, and help everyone involved find a resolution they can live with.

Common Causes of Conflict Among Family Members

Conflict can come from many sources. However, there are some common causes of conflict among family members that come up again and again:

Misunderstandings and Assumptions

Often conflict among family members occurs when one person assumes the intentions of another person or misinterprets their words or actions in a negative way. This is so common among family members because of the long, deep, and intimate relationships they hold with one another. It can be easy to see patterns that aren’t there, or to assume ill-intentions based on family history.

Differing Views or Beliefs

When conflict arises with extended family, it is often because of differing views or beliefs (such as political or religious differences). We generally assume that families are all cut from the same cloth, and will have the same perspective on deep moral, philosophical, or religious issues. When that turns out not to be true, it can cause conflict. This can be especially true around holidays or elections, or when families face hardships.

Grudges and Unresolved Resentment

Family histories often include many twists, turns, and roadblocks. If childhood trauma, past behavioral issues, or other events have left unresolved conflict between family members, it can fester and create conflict long after the underlying issue has passed. This is a common cause of sibling rivalry, for example. If children perceived an inequity in the way parents treated them (whether it was true or not!), that sense of favoritism can color the way siblings interact with each other even after they are grown adults.

Power Imbalances Within the Family Dynamic

It is important to recognize that not everyone’s voice carries the same weight at the family dinner table. Many families operate in a patriarchy or matriarchy structure where what elders say goes, even if younger family members disagree or raise objections. In the most severe cases, it can even prevent family members from speaking up to prevent harm to the younger generations out of a sense of conflict avoidance. These kinds of power imbalances can color the family dynamic and make it harder to resolve conflict among family members.

Strategies for Addressing Conflict Among Family Members

Unresolved conflict among family members can drive families apart and make holidays, reunions, and celebrations into tense high-conflict affairs. Addressing conflict among family members requires commitment and diligence, especially when your relative isn’t interested in changing their ways.

Step 1: Decide If the Issue Is Worth the Fight

As with most types of conflict resolution, finding a solution starts by examining your own thoughts and feelings. Addressing conflict with family members first requires you to be clear about:

• What is causing you to feel negative feelings around that person
• Identifying the triggers of conflict
• The impact the conflict has on you
• Deciding whether to engage or accept differences

Not every disagreement is worth the work of resolving the conflict. The right choice might be to simply accept that your relative has a different perspective and agree not to bring the issue up. However, if the conflict is causing you or them distress, or causing resentment, you may need to engage with the conflict and work it through to resolution.

Step 2: Listen to Understand Your Loved One’s Perspective

Often, conflict arises because you can’t understand where the other person is coming from, or what is causing them to behave the way they are. To address conflict between family members, you should listen to them and ask questions to better understand what they are saying. Ask them to explain their position, motivation, or meaning. Invite them to tell you more about their beliefs. Even if you are not persuaded yourself, listening may disperse some tension and will help you better predict their future behavior.

Step 3: Set and Maintain Boundaries

Just because you agree to listen and work toward conflict resolution does not mean you must give in to your relative’s perspectives or demands. It is healthy and appropriate to set clear boundaries such as:

• “If you raise your voice, I will end the conversation.”
• Limiting the length of your visit
• Avoiding high-conflict topics
• Being prepared to leave if you are made uncomfortable

Practice strategies and develop plans for what you will do if your boundary is crossed, so you don’t have to come up with a consequence in the moment.

Step 4: Find Points of Commonality

If you are trying to resolve a conflict that feels like “us vs them” such as addressing generational assumptions or the “left vs right” divide, try to find ways that both you and your relatives are the same. Maybe both your beliefs stem from the same need for financial security. Perhaps you both had a similar experience growing up. Finding ways you and your loved ones are alike can serve as the foundation to build a better working relationship and find a resolution to ongoing conflict.

Step 5: Compromise and Collaborate Toward Resolution

If you and your relatives all agree to resolve the conflict, you can do it through a combination of compromise and collaboration. Compromise is where each side gives something up, while collaboration means that everyone is aligned to reach the same goal. Work together to identify that goal and then develop strategies to reach it together. If you can collaborate to resolve conflict, it will improve your family relationships and help you build more positive memories for you and the rest of your family.

David Stanislaw is a psychotherapist with over 30 years of experience. He helps adults, teens and children with conflict resolution, family dynamics, and other mental health concerns. Contact David Stanislaw to get help today.