Addressing Conflict with Your Children

Conflict is a part of growing up. Whether your children are struggling with sibling rivalry, responding to bullying or conflict at school, or even rebelling against parental authority, they depend on you to model mature and healthy conflict resolution strategies. Here are some strategies for addressing conflict with your children.

This is the second in a four-part blog series about addressing conflict in some of your most important relationships. The first post dealt with family dynamics. Future posts will focus on conflicts with your spouse or partner, and coworkers. The goal of this series is to better equip you to resolve conflict when it happens. 

Raising Children Requires Conflict Management Skills

Conflict is a natural part of life, and that includes life with your children. Whenever humans interact, their different interests and desires can come into conflict. As a parent, you have undoubtedly come to understand that your children’s desires are often in conflict with your priorities, and indeed, reality. So what can you do to manage conflict with your children in healthy and developmentally supportive ways? 

Tips for Parents Managing Conflict with Your Children

Addressing conflict as a parent will depend on the age and maturity of your children. As children get older, they will be better able to express their feelings and understand your position. But you can also teach your children to manage conflict more effectively by using effective conflict management strategies, even at an early age. 

Managing Conflict Doesn’t Mean Tolerating Violence or Abuse

One of the first and most important parts of managing conflict with your children is setting firm boundaries against violence or abuse. Dangerous fights between children should be stopped immediately. If your children make a habit of physical violence, bullying, or other kinds of verbal or emotional abuse, you will need to intervene, possibly with a psychotherapist’s help, to break those patterns and teach your children healthy conflict management techniques. 

Address Strong Feelings, in Your Children and Yourself

Children often experience strong feelings during disagreements, especially when you have to say no to something they want. When that happens, acknowledge and name the emotion they are expressing, then give them the time and space to calm down before addressing the conflict. 

But kids aren’t the only one who have feelings. If you are feeling stressed or angry, or if your children’s actions have triggered strong emotions in you, it is important to manage your own emotions, as well. Don’t yell at your children – it won’t help. Instead be open about how your children’s behaviors made you feel, but then manage your feelings before you engage in conflict resolution. 

Make Space for All Parties to Be Heard

Let your children have their say. If they are feeling emotions, invite them to explain them to you, and explain their point of view. Actively listen to them and respect their ideas and opinions, even if they are impractical or unreasonable. Ask clarifying questions and help your children work through their ideas, pointing out limitations and concerns they may not have considered. 

Then return the favor. Parents all too often rely on statements like “because I told you” or “those are the rules.” But that does not help your children resolve the conflict between the ground rules and their desires. Instead, explain your perspective and your reasons clearly, using language they will understand. Describe your concerns in age-appropriate ways. Invite them to ask questions to make sure they understand. 

Focus on the Current Problem 

Adults and children alike often generalize their frustrations saying one another “always” do offensive things or “never” act appropriately. These kinds of absolutes don’t help address conflict. Instead, encourage each person in the conversation to remain focused on the issue or behavior at issue. If your children persist in making generalized statements, encourage them to come up with counter-examples to break down their assumptions. 

Involve Your Children in Finding Win-Win Solutions

Whenever you can, negotiate with your children. Find ways to compromise or collaborate with them, helping each child to find ways to meet their needs and desires in safe and healthy ways. This could include taking turns with a favorite toy, or finding age-appropriate ways to express themselves and their unique personalities. Try not to take sides or favor one child over the other. Instead, suggest alternatives and find solutions to everyone involved gets something they want. 

Don’t Compromise Boundaries or House Rules

Recognize that your children may not always be able to reach a healthy, collaborative conclusion. Depending on their age and family circumstances, it may not be age-appropriate to even discuss adult issues like divorce, finances, or safety. Setting and maintaining clear ground rules and boundaries are important to healthy child development. However, even in these cases, you can model clear communication. Remind your children what the ground rule is, and clearly state that they are non-negotiable. That way your children will understand where they have control, and where the rules are absolute.

Get Help Teaching Your Children to Manage Conflict in Healthy Ways

As a parent, you should be mediating and modeling healthy conflict resolution for your children and teaching them the tools they need to address conflict themselves. If you need help managing your own emotions related to parenting, learning conflict management techniques, or teaching your children healthy ways to resolve conflict, talk to a psychotherapist today. 

David Stanislaw is a psychotherapist with over 30 years of experience. He helps adults, teens and children with conflict resolution, family dynamics, and other mental health concerns. Contact David Stanislaw to get help today.