Disengaged Teenagers and How to Reach Them

For parents, a disengaged teenager can be an issue of constant concern. While these teens may “show up,” they never seem engaged with school, family, or the world around them. Here’s what is behind the phenomenon of disengaged teenagers, and what you can do as a parent to reach them. 

Why Teens Disengage from School and Life

Kids are built to learn. From toddlers finding new, creative (and often noisy) ways to stack blocks, to students researching new ideas at school, children are actively in a state of discovery. But that can change when a child reaches adolescence. However, by middle school, many parents report seeing their A-students “check out” and become disengaged teenagers. These teens are disconnected from school, and constantly seem either bored or “lazy.” 

The truth is that teenagers today are some of the most plugged in, aware children, connected to what is going on in the larger world through social media and online contact with friends. But this connection can sometimes trigger mental health issues like anxiety or depression. In addition, modern teens deal with sometimes extreme amounts of stress from school, peer expectations, extracurricular activities, and family obligations. Disengaged teenagers may simply be engaging a coping strategy of caring less to avoid feeling hurt when they can’t live up to everyone’s expectations. 

Even in healthy teens, concerns about the world around them can lead children to ask “what’s the point” in abstract learning that seems disconnected from the real-world issues on their feeds. Parents experience this same kind of pressure. For example, it can be hard to focus on filing taxes when you’re more concerned with the increased cost of living. For kids, this same feeling of procrastination and disconnection can come from being asked to focus on algebra when they don’t see its connection to their everyday lives. 

Helicopter Parents Aren’t Helping Disengaged Teenagers

When parents are faced with disconnected teenagers, it can be tempting to get involved and solve the problem for them. Some parents may take to nagging their children about studying, asking repeated questions about school activities, or even doing their homework for them. But these “helicopter parent” strategies aren’t going to help your child become more engaged in their school work. Instead, it is likely to create resentment between you and your child, and could even cause them to further disconnect. 

Remember that adolescence is a time for children to exercise increased autonomy and explore their identity. Having a helicopter parent nagging them about every school assignment and grade can interfere with that autonomy, making them feel trapped and micromanaged. This can cause teens to further withdraw, or even begin to actively resist their own learning. Here’s how to reach them instead.

How to Reach Your Disengaged Teenager

Instead of taking control of your teenager’s engagement, find ways to promote your child’s autonomy while at the same time modeling and supporting healthy study and work habits. Here are some steps.

1. Listen for the Causes of Disengagement

Often, disengaged teenagers are checked out because they feel stressed, inadequate, or unappreciated. Listen for those clues in what they do say about what’s happening at school. For example, if your teen says studying doesn’t matter because they are “going to fail anyway” they may feel inadequate, and be protecting themselves against disappointment. Once you know what is driving their disengagement you’ll be better able to address it. That starts with validating their feelings. Be empathetic to their anxiety, depression, stress, or frustration. Then help them move past those feelings to find solutions. 

2. Ask Agency-Building Questions

Find ways to ask your teens about their goals, projects, and assignments in ways that give them autonomy and control. Remember that they are under a lot of pressure from deadlines, obligations, and peer expectations. Rather than asking every day if they have done their homework, consider asking them about those expectations, for example by saying “when do you want to work on that project?” This gives them the ability to control what is happening in their lives. 

3. Offer Models and Suggestions, Not Ultimatums

Disengaged teenagers may want to do it all themselves, but they don’t necessarily have the mental development, strategic thinking, or life experience to know how to do that. That is where you can help as a parent. While you can offer suggestions, don’t take control or levy ultimatums. Rather than telling your children “you need to” take specific steps, encourage them by asking “have you tried” a possible solution. Offer suggestions for planning, scheduling, or techniques to complete the assignments. If you know a proposed solution isn’t going to work (for example, leaving themselves two hours to write an essay) ask “do you think that will work? What happens if you run into trouble?” This invites your teenager to engage in critical thinking.  

4. Invite Creativity

One reason teens often disengage is because they feel like they have no control over what they are being “forced” to learn. They are told what books to read, what assignments to do, and what issues are important. But teenagers, in particular, are often interested in other forms of creativity or exploration. Encourage that. Where you can, find ways to incorporate the thing that inspires them into their school work. In other cases, find time outside of homework periods to give them room to explore and express themselves. Stretching their creative wings will help them break out of their disengaged patterns, and may make it easier to motivate them to do what they need to do to make space for what they want to do.

5. Praise Success

It can be easy for teenagers to feel depressed, discouraged, or overly criticized, especially when they are struggling with school. Grades, attendance, and homework all make demands on students. When they fail, it can be discouraging. As a parent, you should be your kids’ biggest cheerleader. Celebrate their successes – whatever success means for that particular child. When a project is turned in, cheer them on. If they get a passing grade when they thought they would fail, it’s time for a small celebration. 

Receiving positive reinforcement can encourage teens, interrupt the negative thoughts they may be having, and make them feel like they have support to do hard things. By developing a habit of encouragement, you can help your teens find the things that inspire them, and overcome obstacles to learning. With time, patience, and a commitment to building autonomy, you may even redirect your disengaged teenager and get them to plug back in to learning. 

David Stanislaw is a psychotherapist with over 35 years of experience. He helps adults, teens and children with the mental and emotional consequences of chronic stress and other mental health concerns. Contact David Stanislaw to get help today.