Is Stress Straining Your Marriage?

Every married couple faces stress from time to time. But the sources of that stress, and how couples respond to it can make a big difference on the state of their marriage, and their ability to support one another “in good times and in bad.” Here is how to tell if stress is straining your marriage, and how to be a more supportive spouse when it happens.

The Effect of Stress on a Marriage

There are two ways stress can strain your marriage. External stresses experienced by one or both spouses can test each person’s coping mechanisms and put strain on the relationship. But marital distress can also arise within and even because of the marriage itself. Marital stress can change a person’s physical health, affecting everything from their cardiovascular system to their immune responses. When spouses “get under each other’s skin” it can have real psychological, behavioral, and biological effects. Partners in a distressed marriage are more likely to experience depression or violence within the relationship, and are more susceptible to physical health problems. The strain can also negatively impact a couple’s children, causing behavioral issues and, in some cases, Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). 

Common Sources of Marital Strain

Marital strain can happen for a lot of reasons, internal and external alike. But there are several common sources of marital stress that can lead to a breakdown in the relationship, and even divorce.

Poor Communication Between Spouses

A lot of marital strain is the result of poor communication habits between spouses. A husband may feel like a wife expects him to read her mind. A wife might believe that her husband never listens to her. Another couple may avoid talking to one another entirely to avoid fights or vulnerability. These poor communication habits can make spouses feel badly about themselves and one another, putting strain on the relationship. 

Different Expectations for the Marriage Relationship

Spouses can also come into a marriage with different expectations about the relationship. Sometimes, these expectations can lie dormant for years until an event triggers them, such as having a child, losing a job, or needing to relocate. Sometimes these expectations can be unreasonable, especially if not clearly communicated prior to the marriage. Other times, both spouses’ perspectives are appropriate, but mismatched, which can cause distress. 

Lack of Intimacy

Another cause of marital distress that often develops later in the relationship is a loss or lack of intimacy. This could involve changes in sexual appetites or simply a feeling that the couple has “fallen out of love.” While it is natural for strong feelings to fade over the years, and for age to affect libido, couples in a strong relationship often substitute one form of intimacy for another. When couples instead drift apart, it can create distress or coldness that makes it harder to empathize with the external stresses one another feels. 

Money Concerns

One such external stress that can strain marriage relations comes from financial difficulties. A lost source of income, emergency repairs, or unexpected medical expenses can put a strain on a couple’s finances, and make everything harder. While money isn’t necessarily the “root of all evil” when it comes to relationships, it can bring out the worst in couples, especially if their relationship is already under pressure. 

How to Tell Your Spouse is Stressed

Often, marital stress begins, or is aggravated by, something outside the relationship itself. If stress is putting a strain on your relationship, you may not recognize that your spouse is stressed. One of the best ways to relieve marital strain is to be more attentive to when and why your spouse is stressed. This could take many forms, but some common signs of stress include:

• Disproportionate anger
• Irritability
• Restlessness
• Emotional withdrawal
• Detachment or becoming uncharacteristically quiet
• Trouble focusing or poor memory
• Feeling overwhelmed by small decisions
• Insomnia, fatigue, or sleeping too much
• Frequent headaches
• Muscle tension
• Digestive issues
• Changes in appetite
• Increase in substance use

How to Be a Supportive Spouse

If your spouse is stressed and it’s causing strain on your relationship, the best thing you can do is be a supportive spouse. It is important to avoid assumptions or blame. Even if your spouse becomes irritable or short-tempered with you, that doesn’t mean it is your fault. Offer them support by:

• Inviting them to talk about how they are feeling and why
• Actively listening to their concerns and asking questions
• Avoiding judgment or blame yourself
• Validating their feelings before (or possibly instead of) trying to solve the problems
• Encouraging your spouse to take care of their own needs
• Promoting healthy habits in diet, exercise, sleep patterns, and work loads
• Taking on more responsibilities to lighten the load

Simply by acknowledging that your spouse’s actions may be motivated by stress outside the relationship, you can offer grace and make a safe space to process those feelings without judgment or marital distress. 

How to Respond to Internal Marital Stress

As noted above, sometimes marital stress is because of issues within the relationship as well. Because this kind of strain affects both spouses, it can be harder to resolve without help from a psychotherapist or marital coach. However, there are healthy things you can do to respond to and defuse marital stress, to move into a healthier relationship:

• Prioritize your own mental health to build resilience
• Set boundaries on high-conflict topics
• Pause conversations when emotions are high
• Commit to developing positive memories and experiences together
• Have daily check-ins to avoid resentment building up
• Develop a support structure of friends and family to provide emotional support

If these self-help strategies fall short, you find your coping mechanisms are insufficient, or if you and your spouse want help working through things together, you can also work with a psychotherapist trained in couples counseling. Through targeted coaching, a psychotherapist can help you identify challenges in your family dynamic, and teach you news skills to overcome them. Together, you, your spouse, and the therapist can relieve your marital distress, so your relationship will last. 

David Stanislaw is a psychotherapist with over 35 years of experience. He helps individuals and couples learn how to handle stress in their marriages and relationships. Contact David Stanislaw to get help today.