Addressing Conflict in Your Marriage

Conflict and arguments can be the beginning of the end of many marriages. But they do not have to be. Spouses who know how to work together to face conflict, can actually strengthen their relationship while working through their differences. By addressing conflict in your marriage, before the cracks turn into fissures, you can save your marriage and your love for your partner. 

This is the third in a four-part blog series about addressing conflict in some of your most important relationships. The first post dealt with family dynamics, and the second guided parents through conflict with their children. Future posts will focus on conflicts with your spouse or partner, and coworkers. The goal of this series is to better equip you to resolve conflict when it happens. 

Communication is Key to Addressing Conflict in Your Marriage

Every couple faces conflict. Whether it is over dinner plans or financial challenges, you and your spouse will have disagreements. That conflict can lead to stress and put a strain on the marriage relationship. But the key isn’t to avoid conflict. It’s to learn healthy ways of addressing conflict and finding a healthy resolution when it arises. 

That starts with clear communication. All too often, couples allow conflict and resentment to fester unstated. Then those negative feelings can come out in other directions. This is why partners end up fighting over chores not done or small inconveniences – because they are avoiding addressing the heavier conflict lying underneath. Instead, commit to openly communicating your feelings, and providing specific requests for things you want to see changed. Then be ready to listen to your partner’s response, and collaborate together to find a solution. Clear communication is essential at every stage, and will allow you and your partner to work through conflict.

Assume the Best of Your Partner

When you feel frustration or resentment, it can be easy to translate those feelings into intent that your spouse never held in the first place. Try to avoid placing blame on your spouse. Assume the best of your partner, that they did not mean to hurt you, and that they had a reason to act the way they did. Reaffirm that you know your spouse loves you and that you want the relationship to work. Then ask questions about your partner’s reasoning rather than making assumptions. 

Keeping the focus on what you love about your partner can also make it easier to forgive them for small annoyances and low-priority conflict. There may be things about your spouse that you would prefer were different. But if you can avoid turning those quirks into feeling like your spouse is out to get you, it can be far easier to hear your partner’s explanation for their actions.

Keep Focused on Conflict Resolution

When addressing conflict in your marriage, it can be tempting to dig into your past to find ammunition for the current fight. But this approach to conflict does not lead to a healthy resolution. Rather than throwing everything at a fight, including the dishes in the kitchen sink, commit to focusing on resolving the specific conflict at hand. When unrelated topics arise, agree to table those issues and come back to them later. Be patient with the process and focus on finding a solution to the problem at hand. 

But then don’t forget to come back to the other topics, or agree to have that discussion at another time. You don’t have to – and really shouldn’t – take on all the issues at once. But you also shouldn’t use the conflict resolution process as an excuse to avoid dealing your partner’s priorities. Be respectful of your spouse’s priorities, as well as your own. If your partner says they want to address an issue separate from your own, make separate times for both so you can give them each the focus during their own time.

Work with a Couples’ Therapist to Address Stubborn Conflict

Not everyone comes into a marriage with the tools they need to address conflict with their spouse. That’s okay. Conflict resolution is a skill that can be learned and adapted to fit your personality and your relationship. Working with a couples’ therapist can be the key to addressing conflict in your marriage. A psychotherapist can teach you and your spouse new conflict resolution strategies, and help you practice clear communication, cooperation, and collaboration toward a stronger marital bond. 

David Stanislaw is a psychotherapist with over 30 years of experience. He helps adults and couples with conflict resolution, family dynamics, and other mental health concerns. Contact David Stanislaw to get help today.